I’ve been trying to keep away from Mind Money Circuit’s My Place because it gets me overwhelmed with so many feelings about graduating.
The song plays in the background and I let myself see my new feed full of all these photos I’m going to end up seeing in my yearbook. All the people I’m leaving behind and all opportunities that I could have taken and all the professors I’ve yet to talk to.
I can’t help but cry because I wish I could come back once in a while and not be all awkward about it (ie. feeling close just to see someone I don’t talk a lot to). I don’t know why but I like the thought of people just being there — and now that they won’t be I regret all these times that I missed spending to talk to them.
It doesn’t help that I’m going through such a bad identity crisis right now (stupid I know HAHA) trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do. And I’ve been feeling extra awkward lately, I don’t know what to do with myself. I noticed these weird habits developing — stuttering, saying the wrong word that I’m thinking of, not being able to think of things as fast as I used to. I’ve been ranting a lot too. And I feel horrible that these kind of feelings just happened now, it’s like — aren’t these things supposed to happen when you’re a high school teenager or something. I seriously have no idea what happened. Right now, I could probably trace it to lack of confidence with me letting go of my health routines. Or maybe because I don’t force myself to get into something. Or that I haven’t really become that person I wanted to be back then. I see all these people from before who weren’t the same person, but they are the kind of persons I wanted to be. I’m glad that they’ve found who they are and that they led themselves to be the person they wanted to be but for some reason it makes me sad because it shows that it could be done and that I could’ve done it too.
Or these feelings are here maybe because I failed my first philo quiz and I’m upset about that so all these feelings are just riding on my negativity.
Ah well, things don’t always go the way they’re supposed to.
An interesting thing that happened today was this quote:
"Discover what you love. Discover what’s in your heart and there you will find success." - Sir Johnny Filart